I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
