low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize