They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
