he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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