hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just threw up on my dentist
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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