a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
