we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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