I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
