he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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