I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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