I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
