At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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