I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
