Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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