i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you will always have a special place in my vag
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
