3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
