I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
