I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
