I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
