Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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