We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
