i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it's like heaven, but drunker
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
