I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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