omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
