you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
