Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
