Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
