Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
