if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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