hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
