Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
