Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
