You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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