youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
