She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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