I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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