How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
