Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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