In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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