So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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