Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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