Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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