you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
