there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
