Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
