Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
