I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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