if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
