I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
