Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
