If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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