Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize