I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
