Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
