Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
