Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
