I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
