I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize