tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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