Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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