Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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