So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my poor anus
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
