im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Randomize
