"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sext me about skeletons
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
