Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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